Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Diaria: Watching The VJ Search Finale (Now With Special Guest Commentary)
All right, here we go. This is it. One hour. One VJ. It's like Game Seven of the World Series. Or a Presidential election. Or at least a day at your local mall's food court.

Anyway. Don't blame me for what follows. I'm just the messenger. Though perhaps we are all complicit one way or another.

8:01pm The judges, losers and final four arrive to a red carpet and a heaving throng of about 15 teenage girls. 'People are screaming like they mean something,' observes Miss Pop.

8:02pm. Sean arrives. 'Oh my god Dina, what the hell?' What the hell indeed.

8:04pm. Cue the opening montage. Each would-be VJ is shown in their natural habitat. Erik's playing hockey. Casey Jo answers a phone. And Sean... he's shopping. Of course. Take that homosexual stereotype.

8:05pm. There are actually some guys in the crowd. How did that happen? Are they there with their girlfriends? Because no relationship is worth that.

8:06pm. Steve Anthony's opening remarks: 'My decision hasn't changed and at this point I don't think I can influence anything.' At this point? Meanwhile, there are about 117 signs in the crowd supporting Tim. One dude in the front row even pledged his support when asked by Dina. So begins the most unnecessary 54 minutes in Canadian television history.

8:08pm. Cue the quick overview of the series. Why is this a mandatory part of every reality show? If you've been watching, you don't need the reminder. I mean, really, the show's only been 10 episodes long. We're not talking about M*A*S*H here. And if you haven't been watching, why on earth would you bother tuning in at this point? Seriously. Get a life. And while you're out, pick me one up too.

8:12pm. Miss Pop during the retrospective, 'This is such a ridiculous show... This show is awful.' And? Your point is what exactly?

8:16pm. A quick review of how each candidate campaigned in their hometowns. Sean got a pep rally at his high school. Nikki came up with a catchy slogan - "Rah Rah For Nikki Mah." Tim was mobbed by 11-year-old girls, took his shirt off and held a concert to benefit some women's shelter. Erik appeared to be wearing a white denim jacket. Again, the choice couldn't be more clear, could it?

8:21pm. Erik, how are you handling the attention? 'We're just the same as everyone else in this room.' Several kids in the audience actually raise their hands to object.

8:22pm. Miss Pop on Tim, 'There's something up with his face, is he wearing a lot of make-up or something?' Yes, make-up. Oh, and the trademark stain of emptiness that marks a man who has sold his soul.

8:23pm. Time for the losers to ask questions of their superiors. Norm asks Sean if he's worried about people who are threatening to stop watching Much if they hire Sean, on account of his homosexuality (wait, Sean's gay?). Sean seems to respond that he isn't interested in having a gay orgy on television. But wait. If we stop televising the gay orgies, haven't the homophobes won?

8:30pm. Polls are now closed.

8:32pm. Another retrospective. This one focusing strictly on the judges. A full three minutes dedicated to shots of Steve Anthony looking confused.

8:33pm. Miss Pop on Robin Black, 'Who is he again?' Exactly.

8:35pm. Traci implores the contestants not to give up their dreams. Her prominently displayed breasts decline comment.

8:36pm. The eliminations begin. Dina's left shoulder strap snaps and it appears we might get a little nipple. Of course, Much can't even get that right and the dress stays up.

8:38pm. Erik's gone. Some 12-year-old girl in the crowd commits ritualistic suicide. Erik walks over her still-twitching body as he exits.

8:40pm. Commercial break. Almost forgot to mention, VJ Leah was sitting in the front row at Sunday's Raptors game. Cuddled up beside her? Alexisonfire's Dallas Green. If Much had any sense that relationship would already be its own reality show.

8:43pm. Norm gets behind the keyboard to sing his song, 'I'm Not A Loser.' Which is probably ironic. Miss Pop would like to interject: 'This show really sucks... That was pathetic. Did you actually watch every episode for the last ten weeks? I don't know if you should be allowed to diary this.' We've now entered the anger stage of grief.

8:47. A cry for help from Miss Pop. 'Please diary: This show is pathetic. Can't believe I am watching this. Must really like boyfriend.'

8:48pm. Second elimination. Tim is safe. Sean begins to cry. But he's safe. Goodbye Nikki. Sean now sobbing. Dina to Nikki: 'Something tells me we haven't seen the last of you.' Translation: 'Our producers will be in touch with a contract offer just as soon as we get done with this crap.'

8:55pm. Final decision. Dina spends several minutes trying desperately to build some suspense. Even Sean is chanting 'Tim' at this point... and the next VJ is... Tim Deegan. Confetti flies. Several girls in the front row scream so hard they technically lose their virginity. Tim looks genuinely humbled. Or clueless. Dina signs off: 'This has been an incredible journey.' Indeed. A journey... into the heart... the heart of darkness. The horror, etc.

Several conclusions:

1. Social progress is great. But really only in theory.

2. The exact proportion of the general population that should be allowed on TV is something less than 1%.

3. Steve Anthony never should have left us.

4. In hindsight, Bradford How wasn't that bad after all.

Epilogue: Afterwards I went to the Yeah Yeah Yeahs concert. VJ Sarah was there. At one point our eyes met across the room and she mouthed the words, 'Help me.'

Alright, I made that last part up. But with Tim's victory, Sarah officially claims the title of VJ Most In Need Of Rescue, a post left vacant since George Stromboloupolous departed for the CBC. If Nikki had won, Sarah would have received the seemingly literate ally she needs. Instead, I give her about a week around Tim before she realizes she's better than this and takes off to become a fashion correspondent for The Hour or something.

(The YYYs were good. Maps, on its own, is a staggering achievement. Maps sung by a woman in a zombie costume... I lack the adjectives to describe such an accomplishment.)

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