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Sunday, March 12, 2006

Scott Weiland As Marissa Cooper
So Axl said that Slash said that Scott was a fraud. The full text of Scott's response:

QUID PRO QUO

Get in the rinGo to the gym motherfucker, or if you prefer, get a new wig motherfucker. I think I'll resist the urge to 'stoop' to your level. Oh shit, here it comes, you fat, botox faced, wig wearin' fuck! O.K. I feel better now. Don't think for a second we don't know where those words came from. Your unoriginal, uncreative little mind, the same mind that had to rely on its bandmates to write melodies and lyrics. Who's the fraud now bitch? Damn, I couldn't imagine people writing for me. How many albums have you put out man and how long did it take the current configuration of this so-called 'band' to make this album? How long? And without the only guys that validated the name. How dare you! Shame on you! How dare you call our bass player 'spineless'. We toured our album over a year and a half. How many shows have you played over the last ten years? Oh, that's right - you bailed out on your long awaited comeback tour, leaving your remaining fans feeling shall we say a trifle miffed?! I won't even list what I've accomplished because I don't need to. What we're talking about here is a frightened little man who once thought he was king, but unfortunately this king without his court is nothing but a memory of the asshole he once was.

Yours truly,

Scott Weiland


Remember that time I said the Charlatans were the most inconsequential band of all time? Well, Scott Weiland is twice as inconsequential as the Charlatans ever were. Or weren't, as it is. At best, he stands somewhere between a poor man's Kurt Cobain and a poor man's Axl Rose. Heck, you could probably even argue he's a poor man's Shannon Hoon.

If you decided to waste an afternoon ranking the noteworthy lead singers of the last 15 years, you'd have to put Weiland behind pretty much all of the following: Cobain, Rose, Bono, Michael Stipe, Eddie Vedder, Billy Corgan, Perry Farrell, Courtney Love, Anthony Kiedis, Dave Grohl, Marilyn Manson, Shirley Manson, Gwen Stefani, Liam Gallagher, Damon Albarn, Thom Yorke, Richard Ashcroft, Gavin Rossdale, Chris Martin, Jarvis Cocker, Trent Reznor, James Hetfield, Zach de la Rocha, Chris Cornell, Wayne Coyne, Jeff Tweedy, Billy Joe Armstrong, Josh Homme, Rivers Cuomo, Fred Durst, Karen O, the guy from Korn, Hootie and probably even Scott Stapp.

He likely ranks ahead of Rob Thomas, Dave Matthews, Adam Duritz, the guy from Goo Goo Dolls, the guy from Offspring and the guy from Soul Asylum, but you could hold a weekend academic conference debating Scott Weiland v. Chad Kroeger. And if it weren't for the heroin, I have no doubt that Scott Weiland, and not Mark McGrath, would be co-hosting Extra!.

The final test of inconsequence is what we will from now on call the Back To The Future Corollary. Or maybe the Marty McFly Rule. Essentially, how much would the world change if you could go back in time and prevent the existence of said rock star or band? In Scott Weiland's case, the world would almost surely be exactly as it is. We probably wouldn't have Interstate Love Song. Or the Big Bang Baby video where the two people in gorilla masks bash each other over the head with glass bottles. But, otherwise... the world is probably no better, no worse. Guns n Roses are still broken up. Dick Cheney is still shooting people in the face. And Velvet Revolver, though fronted instead by Snoop Dogg, still stinks.

(If you think about it, Marissa Cooper and Scott Weiland are almost uncomfortably similar. Both are boring, whiny, melodramatic, dangerously underweight, fundamentally self-obsessed, variously fond of narcotics, generally bereft of emotional range and, ultimately, cliched parodies of hackneyed iconography. I would like to see this explored in a future episode of the O.C. Or, at the very least, I would like to see Weiland show up in the cliff-hanger season finale as a deranged gunman who takes the kids hostage during senior prom. Then Seth could diffuse the situation with a well-timed comment that is both witty and self-deprecating.)

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