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Thursday, February 9, 2006

Sort Of Blogging The Grammies
... in which I attempt to put together a blow-by-blow account of The Grammys only to get distracted and eventually wind up watching Law & Order.

8pm. I don't get The Gorillaz. I mean, that was completely lifeless. Where is the appeal in a bunch of bored-looking cartoon characters singing boring music? How is this revolutionary? And did you notice how even when Madonna was out there, the people up front - you know, the ones they recruit specifically to act excited for everything - didn't seem all that into it?

8:07pm. Nice to see Jenna "I'm only here because CBS demanded it due to the fact this network has inexplicably dedicated much of its immediate future to my long-forgotten appeal" Elfman.

8:10pm. I can't believe even Stevie Wonder is making "Stevie Wonder is blind" jokes at this point.

8:13pm. Interesting to see that when Lance and Sheryl broke up he apparently got custody of all the bras.

8:18pm. Oh look, Chris Martin is running around through the audience. Frig. Why don't you just change your name to Bono now and get it over with already? Nice sneakers though.

8:19pm. That reminds me, why on earth was there a guy wearing a Brad Miller jersey dancing with Madonna? Brad Miller? Really? Was that supposed to be ironic?

8:24pm. You can tell this John Legend performance is important because they're showing it in black and white. He's probably going to win 18 awards tonight. That's if they actually get around to handing out any awards.

8:29pm. Time to placate the Red States with some country music. Whoever this is, is she supposed to be Nashville's Kelly Clarkson? And was that song a minute and 45 seconds or did it just seem that way?

8:31pm. Congratulations Merle Haggard. Too bad we didn't care enough to give you this lifetime achievement award while you were still alive. Ah well.

8:40pm. A bit too much fog on Vertigo. Sort of looks like somebody lit the place on fire. Nonetheless, Jenna Elfman liked it enough to give it a standing ovation... And now, uh, One?... Oh I see, it's an excuse to do one of these "Grammy collaborations" with Mary J. Blige. Meh. It works all right. But it seems a little too random and, therefore, a little forced.

8:46pm. Is Kanye wearing black gloves? What does this mean? Because you know it means something. And you know we're going to hear about it. My guess: "George Bush doesn't care about black formal wear."

8:47pm. Wait, now Bowie is getting a lifetime achievement award? Presented by Matt Dillon and Ludacris?... Wait, now Matt Dillon is helping present the rap album of the year award? I hope the Grammy organizers realize he's not related to Bob.

8:48pm. Kanye wins. And yes, he's rocking black gloves. And his shirt is unbuttoned to his belly button. And he's wearing sun glasses as big as my head... And, damnit, he didn't say anything controversial.

8:55pm. And heeeerrrreeee'sss... Ben Roethlisberger? Funny story. Standing beside Big Ben in the Pittsburgh locker room shortly after the game on Sunday, he appeared to have something of a gut. Now, maybe he just hadn't removed all his padding yet. But I kinda hope it was a gut. Makes him even more likeable. And yes, maybe this story was just an excuse to mention that I was in the Steelers locker room shortly after they won the Super Bowl.

8:58pm. The rest of this decade is going to belong to Kelly Clarkson. I'm all atwitter just thinking about it.

9pm. Pregnant Gwen Stefani is huge. HUGE!

9:02pm. U2 wins a Grammy. Major upset.

9:09pm. If I asked you to predict what Paul McCartney's drummer would look like, there's no way on earth you'd say a huge bald dude with big, gold earrings and a massive goatee.

9:12pm. Woah. McCartney tears into Helter Skelter. Pretty much makes up for every daft thing he's ever done. Funny story. Last year around this time when he was due to play the Super Bowl I wrote a column about McCartney. It wasn't terribly harsh, but when I came into the office there was a message on my voice mail that went something like: "Hi this message is for Aaron Wherry, first of all, Paul McCartney rocks. And as for your comment about vegetarianism, you can go fuck yourself."

9:16pm. And now Jennifer Love Hewitt (see Elfman, Jenna) and Black Eyed Peas come on stage and one of the Peas takes it upon himself to announce that earlier in the night he and his band won a Grammy. Arguably the most irrelevant moment in the history of television.

9:21pm. By the way, the Raptors are within a point of San Antonio with two and a half minutes to go.

9:27pm. Fifty-five seconds to go, tie game... nope, San Antonio up by two... hold on, Antonio Davis tap back, tie game.

9:29pm. Wait. Why is there a minister preaching during Mariah's performance?

9:31pm. Charlie Villanueva blocks a Bruce Bowen shot... off to overtime.

9:35pm. Eventually Kelly Clarkson is going to have to find something better than "Oh my god, you guys, I just can't believe this is happening."

9:40pm. Now playing the part of Skinny Stefani, Jenna Elfman.

9:41pm. Keith Urban and Faith Hill perform. When you think about, this could make for a really interesting episode of Wife Swap.

9:49pm. Jay-Z and Linkin Park win for rap/sung collaboration. No joke really necessary.

9:54pm. Raptors lose. Raptors lose. TTTThhhheeee Raptors lose.

9:56pm. Dave Chapelle wanders in from wherever he was and gets a huge ovation. Proceeds to make fun of himself and then introduces a bizarrely cast tribute to Sly Stone. My favourite moment so far.

9:58pm. I think I'm officially tired of Joss Stone. It's like she's become a parody of herself.

9:59pm. I think I speak for all of North America when I ask, "So, uh, who is this guy with Fantasia? And, wait, Fantasia is still alive?"

10:00pm. I live every day in fevered anticipation of the day the Maroon 5 guy returns to wherver he came from.

10:01pm. Law & Order. See you in an hour.

10:59pm. Another dramatic closing argument from Jack McCoy pulls one out of the fire. And now Christina Aguilera is attempting to prove herself a Serious Musician. Or having a seizure.

11:05pm. I did manage to flip over at one point and catch Kanye's performance. Pretty good, even if Arcade Fire did the marching band thing first and better.

11:17pm. James Taylor and Bonnie Raitt up to present album of the year. And the nominees are... McCartney's ready to go home and have a nap. Gwen knows she hasn't got a chance. U2 know they made the best album and don't care if they win. Kanye's praying...

And the winner is... U2. Bono makes point of going over to shake Kanye's hand, thereby avoiding any future "Bono hates black people" controversy. Then he says something like, "Kanye, you're next." Which is another way of saying, "Uh, yeah, Kanye, you should have won this."

11:22pm. The recording industry, once again saving the world from the forces of evil, blah, blah, blah... "all-star celebration" blah, blah, blah... the recording industry loves black people blah, blah, blah... jammy thing ensues... and scene.

Final tally:
U2: 5
Kanye: 3
Mariah: 3
Kelly: 2
Jenna: 0

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