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Sunday, August 21, 2005

Transformationed
After much consideration this sorta reminds us of interviewing candidates for student council president in university who when asked to identify their biggest weakness would explain that sometimes they "just cared too much."

Anyway.

Predictions are for those in need of in desperate need of the public's attention, namely psychics and sportswriters. But here goes. By spring there will be a prime-time, soft-focus television interview in which Eminem will discuss his quote-unquote struggle with insomnia, his quote-unquote inability to cope with sudden fame and, of course, his quote-unquote daughter. While never apologizing for or admitting to past indiscretions, he will make some concession of previous tomfoolery and general nuisance. When presented with a list of his alleged offences (homophobia, misogyny, violence, repeatedly wearing white after Labour Day, taking hand puppets far too seriously), he will say something like: "I don't regret anything. I don't believe regret accomplishes anything. It only holds you back. But there are certainly some things I wouldn't do now. Like in any way enabling the various careers of D12. My bad." He might not mean any of it.

Soon thereafter he will release a new record, probably titled something like Marshall Mathers Unplugged. Or The Comeback. Or maybe Keepin' It Real. While hardly mature, it will be hailed as showcasing a "more introspective" and "sensitive" Eminem. He will "have something to say and now know how to say it." It will express outrage at the Supreme Court confirmation of John Roberts. And, more succinctly than any critic had previously managed, skewer Ashton Kutcher (years on, this will be conveniently cited as the beginning of the end for Kutcher, subsequently leading to a divorce from Demi, a back alley pummeling from Bruce Willis and ultimately arrest as what police term 'The Beverly Hills Perv' for a series of peeping tom incidents involving aging Hollywood starlets).

Critics, especially those who hate hip-hop, will love it. And it will probably be the first hip-hop record white adults between the ages of 35-50 will admit to listening to unironically. Mariah Carey will sing the hook on at least one track. John Mayer will produce a secret hidden song - an acoustic track in which Em apologizes to all of the fathers whose celebrity daughters he has expressed a desire to hump. He will probably not mean any of it.

(Even if all that doesn't happen, we're reasonably sure that Eminem will soon pass Madonna for fifth-place on the all-time list of the biggest names in the history of popular music. The other four being, in order: 1. Elvis Presley. 2. Bob Dylan. 3. The Beatles. 4. Michael Jackson.)

(Seventh place, by the way, belongs to Mandy Moore. Obviously.)

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