Tuesday, September 7, 2004

What It Is Good For
Satisfied that it has won the daily newspaper war, The Globe and Mail has decided to throw its forces into the alt. weekly war. At least here in Toronto. Sort of.

This Friday the gang at 444 Front St. will launch 7 (we'd heard about it, but Better Living found the thrilling press release) - a weekly tabloid, to replace the Friday Review section, that will offer "an essential, critical guide to arts and entertainment in the city - with reviews, listings, features on celebrities both international and local, plus insider's tips on how to make the most of a week well planned."

Grief counselors, we're told, are being dispatched to the offices of Eye and NOW to soothe the local hipsters' fears. In advance of their arrival, we will now attempt to answer 7 (get it?!) of your more pressing questions.

1. So hold on. We've already got Eye and NOW, why do we need 7?

Good question. Since you're asking, we can safely assume you're under the age of 35. So it might help here to think of your parents (just this once). You see, your average alt. weekly scares the crap out of your average old person - what with all the rock n' roll, homosexuality and graphic discussions of both socialist health care policy and Santorum. Plus, old people are senile. So listings, like the Internet, bewilder them. Globe Editor-in-Chief Edward Greenspon explains: "People need a guide, not just an endless list. 7 offers the recommendations and advice of our crack team of writers and reviewers - what not to miss and what to skip. With so much choice in arts and entertainment options in Toronto, 7 will help Globe readers make the most of their time."

2. So who will be telling all these middle-aged, boring suburbanites what to do with their lives?

The crack team includes John Doyle, Robert Everett-Green, Rick Groen, Johanna Schneller, Leah McLaren and Liam Lacey.

3. What about Carl Wilson?

Curiously, Carl is not mentioned. We assume this to be an oversight. But, should Carl prove to be excluded from 7, we'd suggest his loyal fans chain themselves to the revolving door down on Front St. until Zoilus is served. Suggested chants: "No Wilson! No Peace!" and/or "7 won't be heaven without Carl's Scene!"

4. So why the name 7?

Maybe because there are seven days in a week. Or maybe because it went with The Globe's new marketing campaign/explicit threat: "You've got 7 days to live."

5. What will this mean for my favourite NOW and Eye writers like Sarah Liss and Stuart Berman?

Emboldened by this attack upon their native soil they will rise up and write with such fury, pride and ambition that all previous standards of alt. weekly writing are smashed and a new kingdom arises, leading Toronto alt. weekly journalism into a new golden age. Or, disinterested, they will light up a fatty, watch some Family Guy and silently judge us all.

6. Are these FAQs-as-high-comedy bits becoming a little tired?

Most definitely.

7. Before you go though, is it true that Amanda Walsh has left MuchMusic?

Indeed. As Much itself so aptly puts it "Amanda sez bye bye." Our favourite cute-as-a-button-blonde is leaving the nation's music station to pursue acting. And get away from all you screamy kids. On the bright side, this can only mean more Devon! (Though, if this does mean more Sarah, we certainly wouldn't complain...)

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?

Weblog Commenting and Trackback by HaloScan.com