Thursday, May 13, 2004

Canada: Stamping out crap metal one long-haired skid at a time
So we're bringing in HIV-infected immigrants by the bus load (we're not really all that outraged, just in need of a ridiculous comparison), but we're calling in the Mounties at even the slightest indication of metal band migration. Yes, I'd say this nation's priorities are in order.

Earlier this week, Drowning Pool's Stevie Benton took to the band's message board to explain why the metalheads would not be able to delight audiences north of the 49th parallel this year.

"Why won't you let us in?" he pleaded.  "It seems the people at the border don't like the looks of us.  Perhaps they feel we would corrupt the Canadian youths.  We were very much looking forward to doing just that.  We promise to keep trying to get in.  Maybe later this summer.  We're very sorry to anyone we disappointed.  Much love to all of you up there."

Much discussion of Canadian "suckage" ensued.

This comes shortly after those charged with defending our borders decided that Nikki Sixx and the rest of the boys in Brides of Destruction were equally unfit to enter our home and native land.

Frontman London LeGrand explains:

"I guess the Mounties are just a little too brainwashed to feel some compassion…but a person is only what they’ve been trained to be. We are all born un-judgmental, and we all prosper from everyone, whether it is from not wanting to be like someone in hopes to stop a cycle of narrow-mindedness, which is what I believe is the root of suppression, or wanting to be like someone in hopes tomorrow will be a better day for us all."

Er. Yeah. That clears things up.

Anyway. In Vancouver young metallers are being asked to explain where the mean police officers touched them when the band pretending to be Guns N Roses abruptly cancelled their gig there last year (something of a small riot ensued).

Apparently some of Vancouver's finest got a little carried away.

"I turned my head just in time to see a police officer strike me across the mouth," one fan testified before a formal inquiry. "I saw it, I felt it and I distinctly remember the sound of the metal object...hitting my teeth."

Like a man who had come across a bear in the woods, he played dead. And like baton-wielding bears, the police officers moved on to other prey.

"So I picked up my teeth and went to walk away."

The computer tech (hmm, rather unruly bunch those computer nerds) lost two teeth as a result and had to have six later removed. In total, he has spent "$25,000 having his teeth fixed, including bone graph procedures and implants." But he remains confident that Chinese Democracy will be released within the year and "like totally rock" making both the decade long wait and missing teeth all the more worth it.

So fans of both Drowning Pool and Brides of Destruction, best consider yourselves lucky. Cos even if your heroes had gotten past our crack border squad, our local constabulary would have been sure to greet you at the venue with a good ole fashioned teeth smashing.

Then again, you do like metal, so maybe you're into that sort of thing.

(We kid. Please spare us your reports of PopWherry's suckage. We are well aware of the problem and have attendants working day and night to rectify the matter.)

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?

Weblog Commenting and Trackback by HaloScan.com